Following George Carlin

On euphemisms for aging and death:

"'Older' sounds a little better than 'old,' doesn't it? Sounds like it might even last a little longer. ... I'm getting old. And it's OK. Because thanks to our fear of death in this country I won't have to die _ I'll 'pass away.' Or I'll 'expire,' like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital they'll call it a 'terminal episode.' The insurance company will refer to it as 'negative patient care outcome.' And if it's the result of malpractice they'll say it was a 'therapeutic misadventure.'"

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On getting old:

"... the best thing about getting old is you're not responsible for remembering things anymore. Even important things. 'But it was your daughter's funeral' 'I forgot!' You can even make believe you have Alzheimer's disease. It's a lot of fun. You can look around the dining room table and say, 'Who are you people and where is my horse?' And you look at your eldest son and you say, 'Agnes, I haven't seen ya since First Communion!'"

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On abortion:

"How come when it's us it's 'an abortion,' but when it's a chicken it's an omelet?"

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On religion:

_ "Something is wrong here: War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kinda (expletive) you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude."

_ "You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. ... Two reasons: first of all, I think he's a good actor, OK? To me that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't (expletive) around."

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On "stuff":

"That's all your house is _ it's a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. Now sometimes _ sometimes you gotta move. You gotta get a bigger house. Why? Too much stuff. You've gotta move all your stuff, and maybe put some of your stuff in storage. Imagine that _ there's a whole industry based on keeping on eye on your stuff."

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On "things you never see":

"You never see a Rolls-Royce with a bumper sticker that says '(Expletive) happens.' You never see a really big, tall, fat Chinese guy with red hair."

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On his disdain for "soft names":

"I'm getting really sick of guys named Todd. ... Where are all these goofy (expletive) boys' names coming from? Taylor, Tyler, Jordan, Flynn _ these are not real names. You wanna hear a real name? Eddie."

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"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"

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"I wonder why Kleenex doesn't have a target in the middle of it. Don't you think we need a bulls-eye right in the middle of the Kleenex?"


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